Current mood:	exhausted
Entry tags:	arne

the first big arne post.
i dont know how to articulate how i feel, or what details are important. i dated him for a year, and he lied to me the whole time. in july, he slammed me in a door, leaving bruises that lasted two weeks, and said point blank "im not going to take responsibility for it". i decided i wanted him out of my life, and i couldn't turn my back without coming clean to his ex about the lies i knew he had told her. so i emailed her and the past week has been the first time since june of last year that i feel in control of my life.

ive hidden so much because i was afraid of what people would think of me, knowing i was manipulated by somebody in this way. i hid so many things that it turned me into a dishonest person. now, i need to be honest, so i am just going to say everything.


i met arne meyer on june 20th, 2006, the last day of spring.four days earlier, he had contacted me via lovelab, stating that he "had a crush" on me. his profile, which of course never hinted at being attached to another girl, and pictures sparked no interest in me, but i told him that he could email me if he wanted. that same day, this was what he had written in a private livejournal entry:

there were red flags from the beginning. he never showed up on time, and could never give me an actual explanation of where he had been. it wasn't unusual for him to leave me waiting for him for hours upon hours at a time. one time, he was four hours late picking me up to go to portland, and when he showed up, he had printed directions from my house to the hotel. arne doesn't own a printer. this seems like such a minor inconsistency, but ... what was going on in those four hours where he could get printed directions? when he doesn't own a printer.

of course, i thought it made me look crazy if i asked him about it, so i never did, and i still don't know what the fuck he was doing in those four hours i sat waiting at my house for him.

a few weeks in, i learned about lizz through katie powers (who had, of course, had a "run-in" with arne in chicago, while him and lizz were dating in fact, but before i had moved to chicago). according to katie, and subsequently according to arne, lizz was arne's crazy ex who lives in new york and was jealous and possesive and, hoo boy, i better steer clear of her! katie points me in the way of lizz's livejournal, and i find arne's livejournal through her. he doesn't update very often, as far as i could tell, and to me, they didn't look together. her myspace says single. she laments about not having a boyfriend.

arne and i get serious, but he is unreliable and i know that he is lying to me. i walk by his computer, and he minimizes the chat windows. i bring it up, and he makes me feel bad for "invading his privacy". by the end of the summer, its clear that something is still going on, but he says she is just crazy and attached and he doesn't know what to do. i give him the good advice that i can, and tell him that i will help him if he wants me to.

at the end of august, im having lots of teeth problems. one night he takes me to the hospital, but leaves me alone in my room for almost my whole stay while he fights with lizz on the phone. he tells me he was talking to his parents, but im not an idiot and i call him on it.

we go to bumbershoot together. he actually stood me up the first day and left me alone watching spoon and the new pornographers crying. the second day, he spent the whole day texting with lizz. im hurt but i still don't feel like i have the right to be. we run into one of his coworkers, and its the first time he introduces me as his girlfriend.

this is how i feel for most of september.

one day in october, he shows up at my work and says he has to take an "emergency trip" to new york, because lizz's dad had a heart attack, and he is worried about lizz, and wouldn't i do the same if it was chris' dad who was sick? i make him promise to call or text me. he never does. i spend the weekend paralyzed and ill with anxiety. he calls me on the way back, saying he was stuck in san francisco, and its the first time i yell at him ever.

later in the week, he knows im still upset, and he is trying to cheer me up at work by making jokes about emeril lagasse. but of course, i had already investigated lizz's livejournal and found out he had been lying to me.
him: sorry for all the jokes, i'm just trying to kick it up a notch!
me: well, i know you were in arizona, not new york. BAM. how about that?

he says he didn't want me to "judge him" for paying for her trip to see her dad. he says she really can't do anything on her own, for silly things like renting a car, and needs his help. he grovels, and insists he wants me in his life. i forgive him.

i spend most days and nights at his house now adays.

in late october, he tells me he loves me for the first time. it was an accident, but in the following weeks, it happens more often. almost always its when im drunk though, like reverse drunk texting.

one night in november, he disappears. we had plans and i went to his house, but he wasnt home. he was somewhere in seattle fighting with lizz on the phone. i spend hours at his house but he wont return my texts or my calls. i go through his email account. i find emails saying that he is moving to new york. i find emails from his boss (fake emails!) he fwded to lizz about moving. im alone at his house and he is moving to new york and he didnt tell me.

he comes home, i confront him. he says hes not moving. he just tells her these things to placate her, to get her to leave him alone. i break up with him anyways. i tell him that it doesnt matter who he is dishonest to, he is still dishonest. he sobs and apologizes. i make him swear he will never do this to another girl again.

the next day, i want to meet, to talk, to get my things, before he goes to his parents for thanksgiving. he says he doubts he will even go. i say i want to meet tonight anyways. he says okay.

an hour later, he is nowhere to be found.

the next day he shows up in connecticut. i remember riding the bus home, being on the phone with him, making him promise that this was the end. he promises. he promises that he wont see lizz. he promises that he will make things right with me. three days later, i wake up to a txt msg from him that says "im sorry. we'll talk when i can." he is in jamaica with lizz.